


The Modern History of the Entire World, I Guess

by Tolpen



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Consistency, Character Death, Don’t copy to another site, the writing style makes it look like it's a parody but it is not a parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 16:03:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20781281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tolpen/pseuds/Tolpen
Summary: Fed up with Blizzard's writing? Tired? Is your fave's character constantly changing?Reallytired? Done with this bullshit? Do you want to start anew?Well do I have a deal for you! Here in this very fic the entire story of World of Warcraft is told from the very beginning of the Classic (also known as Vanilla) up to today. The story is told in a consistent, serious and sensible manner where the plot makes more sense than the original,* the characters keep true to their character, and their breakfast is not served with dumbass idiot juice. That of course means the whole story changes quite early on!Read now to learn what amazing alterante WoW we could have had! It can be all yours for the low low price of commenting!*Not hard.





	The Modern History of the Entire World, I Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classic: How everybody punched a lot of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changelog:  
1.1. Added "Onyxia Kidnapped Anduin" bit, previously omitted by the story.

So we are picking up this story right where Warcraft III has left it because at that point it was still good. It's going to get confusing really soon, because there are multiple plots intervening, but you all either have to be smart or just live with it.

In the Eastern Kingdoms the Forsaken led by Sylvanas are faking it till they are making it and then officially deliver their slightly rotting behinds to the Horde because hey, fellow Alliance-unwanted people. Some of them entered the Argent Dawn, an organization which made it their task to drive the Scourge from the Plaguelands while being at least somewhat decent people unlike the Scarlet Crusade which went batshit crazy. As a result of that, the Argent Dawn sent its people (and some paid Adventurers) to Stratholme to kick the leader of local Scarlet Crusade fanatics just to find out the dude in question has been a demon for the past few years without anyone noticing, and that proves how dumb the Scarlet Crusaders really are.

Meanwhile Magni Bronzebeard, the king of Ironforge notices his daughter Moira went missing and is sending people to dig her back up from Shadowforge in the Blackrock Mointain. Moira and her husband Thaurissan are too busy striking a deal with the Blackrock Orcs because some idiot thought it'd be a good idea to work with Ragnaros, the Firelord

Meanwhile-meanwhile Varian Wrynn, the king of Stormwind is being a meek fishling and the kingdom is _de facto_ ruled by Lady Katrana Prestor. Little Anduin Wrynn's only solace in this miserable existence is his assigned babysitter Bolvar Fordragon who happens to be the only noble who has more than a half of a functional brain and isn't a power-hungry bitch (at least officially.

Meanwhile-meanwhile-meanwhile in Stranglethorn the Zandalari were raising awareness that the Gurubashi Trolls were up to no good and maybe somebody should check on that?

In Kalimdor unknown to everyone, the real Varian Wrynn (or at least his somewhat sensible and capable half) has been hauled off by the Defias Brotherhood (a very fancy name for underpaid masons of Stormwind who went on a rather radical strike) and is right now a memory-loss suffering gladiator in illegal underworld fighting rings mainly in Dire Maul.

The Kaldorei, A.K.A. Night Elves, are now dealing with the fact that they are no longer immortal and also that in the south there are weird green men who call themselves Orcs and who are cutting down their trees. “What the hell is wrong with you, guys? Those trees took centuries to grow to this size. Have you any idea how this will impact the world climate?” And because the Kaldorei have the feeling they always have to prove themselves and Orcs and Trolls are always up to a fight we've got the PvP Arena of Warsong Gulch

While Warchief Thrall and all Tauren tribes were facepalming over that, Vol'jin, the chieftain of the Darkspear who at the time had no sense of appropriate dressing, was trying to bring down his ex-buddy Zalazane who kind of went on a necromancy high and voodoo-enslaved half of his tribe. Vol'jin didn't ask Thrall for help, though, because Thrall was too busy trying to keep the New Horde together in these new lands and exchanging confused letters with Jaina in Theramore. Their correspondence could boil down to: “My life sucks and it was very traumatic, but it helps knowing that you also had it bad.” Azeroth unfortunately doesn't have any therapist to sort this out.

Cairne Bloodhoof was also very busy, bringing the all Tauren tribes together and explaining them the perks and advantages of finally settling down all together and also bitch slapping the Grimtotems across face whenever they were trying to poison anyone. Some of the facepalming Taurens and Kaldorei who didn't feel like they had to prove themselves found out that they can make decent friends over trees and animals and druidism and formed the Cenarion Circle and went south to Silithus to see what the fuck was the Twilight Hammer up to and it did them a really big scare because oh no, oh fuck, Old Gods and Elemental Lords. (A letter from Moira Thaurissan: We've been knowing!)

About that time Magni finally grew fed up with the Dark Iron and Thrall too worried about the Blackrock Orcs and both were also properly concerned about the whole Ragnaros deal and with some help thee hauled a bunch of quite skilled punchers into the Blackrock Mountain who killed Dark Iron King Dagran Thaurissan, punch-mashed a lot of the Orcs in there and also dumped a bucket of water on Ragnaros himself, so that flameo hotmat was forced to calm his titties and bury deep into his personal volcano jacuzzi for some me-time. The Blackrock Orcs, when asked who was responsible for all of this, pointed at the black dragon Nefarion, who was indeed very nefarious, and so the heroes killed that dragon. A lot of the Blackrock called that a day and went home to Orgrimmar, some decided that they liked living there. Moira was pretty pissed pregnant widow, dug her heels in and didn't move from her spot which was now on the Shadowforge throne.

Very shortly after that a very pissed off Varian Wrynn had returned to Stormwind, took his fake double and punched it so hard in his face that he fused with it, making him twice as much king. Then he gave Lady Prestor the stinky eye and she went full “Oh shit!” and flew away because in fact she was the dragon Onyxia and she was, unsurprisingly, very fucking evil. She also took Anduin with her because it was very strategic and she might have developed a bit motherly if very abusive feelings towards the prince. Varian followed her all the way across the ocean into her lair in Wyrmbog. Since it was in Dustwallow Marsh and close to Theramore, he pulled Jaina out of her magic tower because the girl needed to go out, she's been sulking in there since the death of her father which she is going to feel guilty about until she dies despite it wasn't all her fault and he had it coming. Anyway, with the help of some heroes those two brought Onyxia down and got Anduin out ofthe cupboard under the stairs.

Five minutes later Cairne Bloodhoof, who had a moment free, showed up and was like: “Yeah, so the Blackrock folks said that the dragon Nefarian had an all-evil sister Onyxia and that this was her lair.”

Jaina: “Yeah, we've just killed her.”

Cairne: “Cool. What about the eggs? They are beyond saving, so I propose we make an omelette.”

So they all share a corrupted dragon egg omelettes and Varian says: “BTW I've heard that the Gurubashi are making a mess in Stranglethorn and somebody should check on that, but I've literally just got my memories back and I ought to take my son for a brunch, because he's just had a very traumatic experience and I have the feeling we haven't had enough of the father-son bonding time. Can't go to Zul'Gurub, sorry.”

Cairne: “Oh dude, I know just the guy.”

Back in Orgrimmar, Vol'jin is: “I be very busy but OK, slaughter-holiday.” And he packs his stuff, leaves Rokhan and Vanira in charge of reclaiming Echo Isles, not that they do any progress, and sods off into Stranglethorn where he finds his son Yenniku and the two of them together with bunch of trinket-hungry heroes raid Zul'Gurub.

Meanwhile some really dedicated adventurer who made friends with the Cenarion Circle was tasked with putting together the Scepter of the Shifting Sands and now he had finally finished it and rang the gong in front of Ahn'Qiraj. Immedietally hroes stormed the place and killed everything they found inside, including the Old God C'Thun.

Inspired by this gory victory, the adventurers join forces with the Argent Dawn, who ever since Stratholme broke up with the Scarlet Crusade for good and had some issues in the Plaguelands. These two groups together enter Naxxramas and after everyone gets a turn at petting Mr. Bigglesworth, they wreak havoc, discorporate Kel'thuzad and take away his phylactery. However, the fellow who was supposed to destroy the phylactery decided that he was going to fuck those orders because he was secretly working for the Scourge and just sent the phylactery along with whole Naxxramas to Northrend where it wouldn't be that easy to attack. Anyway, the Argent Dawn felt victorious and went on a high-fiving spree until they noticed Archeus hanging above them just a bit more to the east without any possibility to reach it. They concluded that was the Scarlet's Crusade problem and returned to fucking around Andorhal.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have some plot point you'd like to see examined more closely, let me know. It will be edited either into it's according chapter or into some kind of a post-scriptum.


End file.
